Yea I kinda forgot about this as football season has begun and work gets busy and the house is coming and the baby after that.....there's a lot I could drone on and on about and honestly I'm having a hard time deciding what to say. I feel like I ought to post something here just so we don't go further into inactivity.
Maybe some old fashioned horribly bad jokes?
A guy went on vacation to the islands. When he got off the boat, he heard the drummers playing an island rhythm. He found it fascinating. However, after several hours, the sound became an annoyance, so at dinner, he asked the waiter, "When do the drums stop?" The waiter went pale and stammered, "No. No. Drums not stop. Very bad when drums stop." After tossing and turning through the night, he called the front desk at 2 a.m. to ask when the drums would stop. "No. No. Drums not stop. Very bad when drums stop." After a sleepless night, he was waiting at the front desk for the manager. He asked once again, "When do the drums stop?" Again came the reply, "No. No. Drums not stop. Very bad when drums stop." Grabbing the manager by his shirt, the man screams, "What happens that's so bloody bad when the drums stop?" "Trombone solo."
Q. Why was the 86 year old man acquitted of rape?
A. The evidence wouldn't stand up in court
"Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores? They are pale skinny people who look half- dead. In a steak house you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific." -- Bill Cosby
At a bar, a drunk says to a girl, "Excuse me but I think you owe me a drink."
"Why?"
"You're so fucking ugly that I dropped mine when I saw you."
Although born to a Catholic family, Chester had always wanted to be Jewish. As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go through the formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all semester. Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the conversion. On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to begin. The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must discuss my fee. It's $5,000." "$5,000!" exclaimed Chester, "That's a lot of money. How about $500?" "Congratulations," said the Rabbi, "you pass!"
A group of bats is hanging around, upside down, as usual, mostly sleeping. Suddenly one notices that Charlie is on the floor, standing upright and looking around. "Hey, Charlie," he calls out. "What are you doing down there?" Charlie looks up and says, "Yoga!"
A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some rum. The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?" "Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me."
Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them. One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get ME up in one of those things."
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?" The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home. The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!" The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE. I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
A frantic guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Buddy, please, can you loan me a hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident and I need to get her to the hospital." The stranger says, "If you so desperately need a hundred dollars, what are you doing in a casino"? The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money."
Q. What time does a duck wake up?
A. At the quack of dawn!
There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her six-year-old son and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?"
she asks. "I've just figured out how to tie my shoes." "Well, honey, that's wonderful." Being a wise mother, she recognizes his victory in the struggle of autonomy versus doubt. "You're growing up, but why are you crying?" "Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my life."
Q. Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A. So they won't be mistaken for feminists.
The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids. After about a minute or so, he spoke. "From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom. You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers, tests, or homework. Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter. The first one is 'gross.' And the other one is 'cool.' Are there any questions?" After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand, and the teacher calls upon him. In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks... "So, what are they?"
A 60-year-old woman who just gave birth to twins, says, "Age has been redefined." Her doctor said, "That's easy for you to say. You didn't have to see what I was looking at."
...see what happens when I feel the need to post on this thing???
LEARN HOW TO RUN A FUCKING COUNTRY!
